The sky is really dark tonight,
and there’s no star allign tonight. I still find the white moon inside the
darkness sky, and when I find it now. I take a deep breath and continue to
start thinking about something that I never know when I can have it, maybe
someday I think. Today is the day when I start to make a new hope and believe
there’s good nothing waiting for me, but it’s still depends on my next step. I
still recall every single star to allign tonight and help me find out what kind
of mystery that waiting for me. Sometimes I though someday gonna be a great
moment again for me after black and white day in 15 Febuary 2012. I still
waiting for the right time to decide which one of the a lot of girls who lives
in this universe to become mine. But now I still close my heart to recover a
great wound that make my life is so worst because of someone. I seem’s want to
sacrifice my life just for her, but itsn’t late when I decided to stop chasing
her. I almost digging my own grave when I said I want die for her and
unfortunately she never respect me after I did anything for her as hard as I
could and she love me too but never want to explain it. Something grew up in my
mind like a lust when I still chased her in my good way but people’s around me
that’s I never walked in the good way. This suicide mission is abort, I can to
stop all of this kind of pain who held in my heart and my mind. So it’s gonna
be a long time to recover my heart from all the great pain that’s she ever gave
to me.
Now I learn a lot about life and
what’s the meaning of true love is. I know when we love someone, we can’t make
her love us too without any reason. But sometimes I can feel it when her
feeling to me is like a wave in the ocean. During this situation, I thought at
that moment if I can realized it, this gonna be my biggest dream in my life and
for the very first time after all hard work to realize it, finally I can make
it. But it’s just a dream that I never want to thinking about it again now.
Today I want to buried my dream deep in the surface of the all hope is gone
wish. Someday I wish I will have a wonderful life, but maybe I can’t realize it
with her. It wasn’t too much fun anymore when I felt that I don’t have no more
pride in my life. Now I just want more quiet and change anything that maybe
with it she will fine and nothing happened without me. I will do what I want,
without you, it doesn’t matter anymore. I just want you to know that I'm the
one man who took one look at you and fell harder than I ever have in my entire
life. You will know about this someday as the days goes by and the clock
counting down. Or maybe when I’m gone and leave you with one thousand question
in your mind. I can’t get you out from my head, but the wound help me to
realize it as it still recover. For me, I’m not really easy like the other guy
to loving someone. But when I love someone, I will chase her and try to get in
into her entire life as hard as I can. I will try it with my live and my death.
You mean so much to me. Even at
last you’re not belong to me and hopefully you will feel as the way I did
before to chase you. When I saw you in the class, all I can think about is you
and me when we spent our time together. It’s really hard to say that I fall
into sadness again. How I can forget you when you still sit next to me???How???
God, move on to open a new chapter is easy for me when I never see her face
again in my entire life. Unfortunately at this case, I can’t do it quiet easliy
like I want to do. I’m so sorry if I can’t control my feeling to you when you
in front of me girls. Still, I love you so much, but when I remember all you
did for me, My feeling to you is fade away, and I wish someday I have no more
feeling to you. I never want this ending, but when I think, I made this
decision first, and I said, I’m ready for every risk!. But the risk is not what
I expected. It’s really hard and I can get through it. Now I just try not to listen every single
word from my heart. I believe war addicted which part of my life and run in my
blood will help me to ignore it. No mercy and stay sharp for every trap word
who will kill me again slowly and can’t do anything to fight againts it. In
this night I sit alone and I proud can pass all of this. I still can with every
survival feeling in my mind and make a wish this is gonna be the last case who
really hard to day with and I never want to feel this way again. I’m trying my
best to hide it. It’s hard just being
your friend when deep down I know I love you. I’m not ready to stop my heart
recover for another girl, I guess it will be so hard when I someday fall into
the same mistake again.
